I feel like I’m slipping. Like I’m unraveling at the seams. I know I should try to go on, but I can’t. I’ve tried to be strong for so long, but I can’t avoid it anymore. I would tell you that I wrestle alone, alone in the dark, in the deep dark and only I…..only I can understand my own condition. Oh if you only knew the voices in my head and the headaches…they seem to be getting worse. I’m hardly sleeping and when I do; I wish that I didn’t wake up. My dear I wish I could be happy; I really do…. for your sake. You have given me the most wonderful years, but I’m afraid they are now not enough.
Im having those thoughts again, the ones you tell me not to have. But they creep in on me. I can see the darkness, it suffocates me, it follows me. I don’t find joy in the things I use to. Nothingness surrounds me. My life has been stolen from me. Oh how I long to be happy again. But I know…. I know for sure that I will never be. And though it saddens me, I have come to terms with it. It is my disease and I must deal with it the way that I think is the best. Everything has gone from me and nobody can save me. So…. I am doing what I think is the best. I know you will be fine without me. Your life shall go on, but mine shall not. (Starts to put rocks in pockets) My light has withered. Death is my remedy. Goodbye my love. You have been utterly patient with me and I thank you. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don’t think that two people could have been happier and I know you will be happier without me. I can’t go on spoiling your life much longer. Goodbye my love. I hope you achieve everything you want in life…. because I could not.
Forever and always
V