Why is everything wrong? We pretend we are happy. Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing. I seem to desire the things that will destroy me…. The truth is, I am so busy keeping my head above the water I scarcely know I am anymore, much less who anyone else is. I have been asking myself what is it all for? The mundanity of life it strangles me. It all seems so silly. False comfort. The truth is, I can’t remember when I was last happy. We all think we are ok, but we just pretend…pretend we are. To avoid the silence. But all the parties and dinners in the world can’t avoid the silence that’s within me. We go around with sickly grins, but deep down we are not ok. When we married each other, we made a promise, and that promise was that we would love each other no matter what. That we would faithful to one and other. And you broke that promise. Recently…I’ve blamed myself for your affair. I thought it must be me, it must be my fault. But I don’t know if it is.
I want to be. I want to so obviously, so desperately to be loved and to be capable of love.
I am terrified by this……this dark thing that sleeps within me! All day I feel, it wriggles and turns inside me and no matter what I do…. how hard I try, it will not stop. I can’t go on feeling like this. I feel hopeless. Nobody is there to help me. If you expect nothing from anybody, the truth is you will never be disappointed. If I didn’t think, I know I’d be much happier. But you can’t avoid the dark thoughts, you can run from them. But they always catch up with you in the end. The trouble is, I had been inadequate all my life, all along, I simply hadn’t thought about it.
We should meet in a better life you and I.
And maybe then I would be happy.
Sylvia